Hey Steve…

by Robbie Romu on April 27, 2013

harper_nude_paintingHey Steve,

Long time, no chat… How have you been? Still having trouble sleeping?

You really shouldn’t let that video of Justin Trudeau stripping bother you so much. Sure, he’s 12 years younger than you and slightly more toned but I don’t think too many people noticed. Nobody picks a Prime Minister based solely on looks… Thank God, right?

I agree that the attack ads seemed a little desperate but what are you supposed to do? We can’t give Canadians the time to actually make an informed decision. They worked so well with Dion and Ignatieff – how were you supposed to know that people would see right through them this time? I mean, Dion was easy because of the language barrier and Ignatieff was easy because of that face, but Trudeau will be a little harder to demonize. I think the “not ready to lead” angle is a good way to go as long as nobody actually looks into it. It’s not like people can just Google your experience when you were elected party leader and compare it to his, is it? That would be bad…

I wouldn’t worry too much about all the bad press you’ve been receiving lately. Canadians have short memories. They forgot about the calls to prorogate parliament. Remember: “no Prime Minister has so abused the power to prorogue.” Haha! Jerks! They forgot about the whole “contempt of parliament” thing and the Robocall scandal and that time you fudged the numbers on the F-35 fighter jets and that whole mess with the Afghan detainees. Remember when you tried to replace the National Press Theatre with a $2M government-controlled media center? That was awesome! Don’t worry, nobody remembers that either.

I know you’ve taken some flak over the suppression of science in this country too but it’s probably not that big of a deal. As long as you keep cramming through the changes in your omnibus budget bills who’s going to notice? Who needs science anyways? Those crackpots believe in things like global warming and environmental protection. Remember when you said the Kyoto Protocol was “essentially a socialist scheme to suck money out of wealth-producing nations?” Priceless! That new Office of Religious Freedoms you’ve created should help keep those pesky scientists quiet.

I know you’re stressed buddy, but its not all bad news. Your continual bombardment of the airwaves with those Economic Action Plan “fear-mercials” have really distracted Canadians from your record. Hardly anybody sees them for what they are. Just stay the course. If you can keep people afraid by emphasizing “troubled economic times” over and over then maybe they’ll continue to overlook all of the other nonsense.

And don’t forget, we still have a fractured “left” in this country! As long as the Liberals, NPD and Greens continue to split the vote you should be just fine. Down with proportional representation! Right?

Well Steve, I should probably wrap this up before it becomes too obvious! I’m sure you have some kittens you need to cuddle with…



PS – Don’t let your pals at the Ministry of Truth read this. I’d hate to go on some list!

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