A good friend of mine recently came out to me. Not from the closet – she’s not gay (or isn’t anymore… it’s complicated) – but from the confines of a traditional marriage. It turns out that her and her husband have been exploring the boundaries of what is considered “normal” for quite some time and have decided to stop hiding it from those who love and care about them.
I applauded her courage and demanded to know everything!
An innocent night of recreational psychedelics evolved into a foursome with mutual friends, which led to an abruptly pertinent conversation about their state of affairs. After “holy fuck, what was that?” and “holy fuck, that was awesome!” there were some other issues that needed to be discussed; namely, what does this say about our marriage?
The assumption is that something is wrong. The end goal, the mythical “gold ring” that we are all chasing, is monogamy – we’ve been taught that since day one – so if monogamy is suddenly gone then something must be broken. This shit has been drilled into our heads by our parents, our teachers, our religious leaders and anyone else who seeks to inseminate their own version of “how things are supposed to be.” It is puritanical nonsense based on old news. Monogamy is great for those of us who choose it, but it shouldn’t be held up as an ideal that we all need to strive for. It is your marriage and your relationship – nobody should define it except for you and your partner.
After they talked about it, my friend and her husband, realized that there was nothing at all wrong with their marriage; in fact, it had never been better and they hadn’t been this hot for each other in a long time! The problem – if there was one – was with other people’s perceptions of how their relationship was supposed to be.
With assurances of mutual respect and some well-defined boundaries they embarked on a great adventure, together. They have a boyfriend now, who they share equally and are on the hunt for a unicorn…
Apparently, finding an open-minded, attractive (they’re not called a Sasquatch for a reason) female who is ready to insert herself into a three or foursome, is akin to finding a unicorn – rare, elusive and mind-blowing.
I admire my friends for “coming out of the closet” with their non-traditional marriage. They are brave trailblazers who are not willing to be pigeonholed or told that they are “less than” by a society obsessed with labels and boxes. By telling the people who matter to them (not screaming it from a rooftop) they are, in their own important way, helping the rest of us to be a little braver and reminding us that silence and secrets never serve a greater good.
Our collective hang-up with talking to each other about things deemed taboo is what keeps us from really knowing each other and understanding that we are not alone. The truth is, there’s lots of people feeling shitty about them selves right now, because of who they are or what they’ve done or how they perceive society will think of them. It’s ridiculous and unnecessary and preventable; all we need to do is start to talk to one another – it really is that simple.
Time to stop ranting now. I’m off to do some hunting.
I really want to find them their unicorn.