I took a crap in a plastic bag the other day. It’s still sitting on my porch…
Lemony Snicket ain’t got nothing on this series of unfortunate events.
Due to the fact that I’ve been so sick from this nasty cold my husband recently “regifted” to me, my brain has been a little foggy. I may have inadvertently dropped some paper towels into the toilet instead of the wastebasket and caused the whole thing to back up.
Repeated attempts to plunger the blockage free were unsuccessful as was the gallons of Drano I poured inside – even though the instructions on the bottle specifically state “not for use in toilets.” The wire coat hanger I disassembled and tried to shove into the pipe is now being used in our planter boxes as a support device. The “toilet snake” I then purchased from the hardware store was a cheap plastic piece of crap that will forever reside at the bottom of the junk drawer – where things like that go to die
It was getting late and I was tired and the situation wasn’t going to fix itself. I decided to get some sleep and drop by Starbucks in the morning to take my poop. I am not a fan of taking dumps in public places but given the circumstances I was willing to make due.
Morning came and so did my need to “drop some kids off at the pool.” Pronto! There was going to be no “walking to Starbucks and doing it there.” I was already groundhogging pretty badly and time was of the essence.
I don’t know my neighbors and I don’t have any friends who live nearby. There are no public toilet options within the range of time I knew I had. Do I poop in a pot or a pan or a big bowl and deal with it later? Do I hop over the balcony and hide in the bushes and pray nobody sees me while I do my business? Do I just use the toilet “as is” and leave a surprise for the plumber?
Of all the options open to me the one I chose was to go to the kitchen and grab a plastic grocery bag. I placed the bag in the toilet, tucked the handles under the seat and proceeded to evacuate my bowels. I then retrieved two additional bags, wrapped the whole toxic package together like some cuckoo Christmas present and placed it outside on the balcony. Then, I had a good, long laugh.
I can’t imagine these things only happen to me…
When my husband got home from work he had the solution to our problem, apparently we didn’t know how to use a plunger properly. Within moments he had the clog removed and our life was back to normal. A plunger, that mysterious technological marvel that it is, requires you to reach inside and pull the “flap” out, thus creating the necessary suction to work properly.
He Googled it…
I took a dump in a plastic bag and he used his intellect to come up with a solution. That’s us to a tee. He’s the brains behind this operation and I am the comic relief.