by Robbie Romu on June 30, 2014

gmail_2004_homepageI recently got a frantic telephone call from a girlfriend of mine that went something like this:

Her: “Can you talk?”

Me: “Sure.”

Her: “I shoved my panties in my pussy and now I have a yeast infection.”

Me: “Gross.”

Her: “Yeah! Can you believe it?”

Me: “Um… Not really.”

Her: “A fucking yeast infection!”

Me: “What did you think was going to happen?”

Turns out she was just following instructions from her boyfriend. He wanted her to put her panties in her pussy, get them “nice and wet” and then sleep with them under her pillow. I don’t think he wanted her to get a yeast infection.

He’s also asked her to wear her panties for a week and then mail them to him in a Ziploc bag and once, to stand in the corner wearing a garbage bag while he masturbated onto a picture of Sarah Palin.

None of this is terribly shocking. People are in to some crazy stuff.

I once stood on a guys balls with my combat boots as he jerked off while his fat, hairy friend did poppers and played with himself across the room. I did it more for him than me. I’m a giver. No big deal.

The other night her and I were trying to come up with a new email address so she could send a different guy some dirty pictures.

Her: “I don’t want it to trace back to me.”

Me: “Relax Columbo. Nobody cares.”

Her: “Come on. Help me. I don’t want it to be just a variation on my name”

Me: How about “bad girl?”

Her: “Boring”

Me: “Dirty girl?”

Her: “Nothing with girl in it. I want something unusual”

Me: “Ok… How about “cardboard panties?”

Her: “Gross. I love it.”

As it happens, when she typed in “cardboard panties” G-mail said, “Someone already has that username. Try another?” and suggested “cardboardpanties99”

Her: “We’re taking it!”

Me: “Lets put in the sickest shit we can think of and see what’s available.”

TAKEN                                                  AVAILABLE

assbandit                                               armpitbandit

ihavechlamydia                                 idonthavechlamydia

genitalwarts                                       genital.warts.r.delicious

cumonmytits                                      cumonmytitsplease

whatwhatinthebutt                               whatwhatinthepoon

stenchtrench                                       lickmystenchtrench

paintmyface                                           paintmyfriend

Some time later…

Her: We are disgusting.”

Me: “Yeah, and we have way too much time on our hands.”

Her: “You’d better not blog about this.”

Me: “Why not?”

Her: “Um… Because people might send us some really crazy things!”

That email address again?

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